Wild Grass by Kevin Dooley

The winds of life often blow us around… and I’ve certainly had my fair share of that lately. Thought I’d do one of those quick update posts about all the bits and pieces.

Where I’ve been when I’ve not been here

You can still find me around the web, even when I’m not here at The Clearing Space (and yeah, I’m very aware I haven’t been here much):

Join me at Twitter (the newest way to watch time fly by) I’m enjoying meeting wonderful new folk and learning something every day!

At The Calm Space (which does take up the bulk of my time these days, as new and exciting things are cooking on the stove…) – this month you’ll find our incredibly wise contributors (and me) writing about Kindness.

At Joyful Jubilant Learning – where my latest article about my journey post-employment and being kind to myself – A time to consolidate, A time to be kind -  has attracted an amazing array of comment conversation! I’m so honoured to be a part of that community of wise, warm and witty learners.

What else has been happening – off-line

We’ve bought a block of land – big enough for horses – and we’re planning our new home! Please throw me any hints and tips on how to handle the stress of building a house, and selling the current one. We’ve never built before… and have been in this home over 15 years!

One of the reasons for my absence lately was a glorious trip, just hubby and I, to Palau last month. Hubby went diving and I learned how to relax! Yes, I was twitchy for the first few days, and there were moments when I panicked at the thought of running out of books to read (I found no book shops on the island) – but we had a fantastic time with the six other Aussies on our trip.

I snorkelled for the first time ever – in a lake full of jellyfish! Here’s the photographic proof. Those things all around me & in the separate photo are the jellyfish…

So, that’s me all caught up. What’s been happening with you?

Over the weekend, I was thrilled to find the clip and the transcript of JK Rowling giving the commencement address at Havard “The Fringe Benefits of Failure, and the Importance of Imagination” here.

We all know that JK Rowling is phenomenally successful… but it wasn’t always so. I have heard the story of sitting in a cafe, with her baby daughter in a pram beside her, writing the first draft of Harry Potter #1 by hand. What I guess I didn’t think about was why.

“So why do I talk about the benefits of failure? Simply because failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me. Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one arena I believed I truly belonged. I was set free, because my greatest fear had already been realised, and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and I had an old typewriter and a big idea. And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.

…

Failure gave me an inner security that I had never attained by passing examinations. Failure taught me things about myself that I could have learned no other way. I discovered that I had a strong will, and more discipline than I had suspected; I also found out that I had friends whose value was truly above rubies.”

It made me think about success, and how many of us settle for a moderate success because, well, because we don’t fail at it. And in so doing, we compromise ourselves, our dreams and often, our life, for a ‘settled for’ existence.

We get the car loan, the mortgage, the spouse, the kids, the school fees, the holidays and we feel tied to whatever it is that brings in the money to pay for our lifestyle. Even if it is slowly killing us.

It doesn’t have to be that way.

To do what matters most is all there is. We can learn from JK and others like her, without having necessarily to hit rock bottom ourselves.

Now is the time to do what you are meant to be doing. Don’t wait until you hit rock bottom. Don’t settle for.

There is a step or two you can take today. Then another step tomorrow. Maybe a little jump the day after that. Before you know it, you’ll be leaping and soaring and flying towards your dream.

Go listen to, or read, her speech – it’s magical.

Feeling the very opposite of calm and in control?

Does it feel like chaos surrounds you? Chaos calls you like a siren song, luring you onto the rocks hidden in the midst of a stormy sea?

You’re not alone.

But…

Try something with me.

What have you got to lose? Go on, humour me just a little…

How will you feel about this five or ten years from now?

Will you be nodding sagely?

Agreeing it was a huge learning experience?

Knowing deep in your heart that you needed this learning in order to surmount and overcome future obstacles… mountains that eventually led to your unparalleled success…

Laughing even, at how silly you were to ever doubt that it was in your best interest…

Hmmm…

How do you manage your time?

[Wait! Let me just jump up on my soapbox here for a minute... I hate the term 'time management' - you cannot manage time! I prefer to call it Time Organisation. I'll climb back down now, let me start again...]

How do you organise your time?

How do you decide what you do in any given moment during your day?

Do you plan ahead, have it all mapped out… your diary full of ‘things to do’?

Or are you more a ‘fly by the seat of your pants’ type, seeing where mood and circumstance takes you?

Do you like being scheduled and knowing what you have on, or do you hate to plan ahead – preferring to see what options present themselves moment by moment?

I was talking to a lovely lady called Bronwynne at a dinner party recently. She is a coach and consultant for businesses who want to get the best out of their staff. One of the things she does for them is a personality profile – and apparently the traits I have mentioned above are often key to getting the best out of yourself and your staff. If you like to know what you’re doing, when you’re doing it, how long you’ll be doing it and all this three weeks ahead of time – then apparently you’ll more than likely fit into her definition of ‘precisionist’.

This intrigued me as my youngest son and I continually butt heads over this very issue. He’ll ask me on Monday morning what we are doing next weekend. He needs to know. He has always thrived on routine, on knowing what is happening ahead of time. He likes to be organised.

Me? I’m more a last minute type… most of the time. I’m not good at knowing what we’ll be doing on the weekend – you never know what last minute invitation we’ll get, or what the weather will be like, or what we’ll feel like doing. I like to leave room for the unexpected. He doesn’t.

So, we’re learning to compromise. We’re learning about the differences in how we operate and what we need.

I was intrigued to read Ariane Benefit – organising expert extraordinaire – talk over at JJL about her challenges with time management. You can read her learnings about the ah ha moments she’s had around the difference between growing a business and sustaining a business in terms of time and schedules.

The mindset that ENABLES you to succeed, is not the same mindset that allows you to REMAIN SUCCESSFUL and have a balanced life.

Click here to go read her whole post. (I’ll wait). Ariane weaves in the analogy of our time being like a bank account, with finite funds and having to ‘balance the books’ which I found very powerful. It’s my guess that Ariane is one of those ‘precisionists’ that Bronwynne talked about – needing to be in control of time in order to feel in control of her life (but feel free to contradict me, Ariane… : )

I have been reading A Perfect Mess* and in the book, the authors discuss Arnold Schwarzenegger and his success. Arnie has been able to successfully go from bodybuilder to film star to Governor and he doesn’t. make. appointments! You cannot book in a time to speak with him, because he doesn’t keep a schedule. He goes from minute to minute. Does that make you feel funny? Yeah, me too… I am totally intrigued by his story. If you want to see him, you phone. If he’s available, he’ll see you now. If not, phone another day and try again. [Obviously there are some appointments he has to keep - but the rest of the time he's open to what comes up in the moment.]

The more I learn, the more questions I have.

I’m curious today – do you prefer, like Ariane, to ensure you balance your time and ensure all parts of your life are given the attention they deserve (whilst still maintaining your success). Are you like my son, always planning ahead, needing to know what you are doing next weekend…. next month… next year? Or are you more like Arnie and prefer to live life moment by moment – after all, who knows how you’ll feel tomorrow, let alone on the weekend?

Get the details here. Review a book, Win a book and share your aloha with your love of reading.

You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself, any direction you choose.

Dr Seuss

Happy New Year!

Today, January 1st, like no other day, marks the first day of the rest of your life (all clichés aside).

I’m wishing you opportunities abounding, possibilities astounding and love rebounding…

(in honour of that most favourite of writers – the inimitable Dr Seuss…)

You deserve them, every one.

And while I’m at it, I’d like to point you over to The Calm Space. The January edition – all about Opportunity - is now ready and waiting for you – please visit, browse around, read the articles that interest you and don’t forget to register to win our beautiful jewellery prize this month, courtesy of Anne Maybus from Beauty Banquet.

For all my readers who live in, or near the beautiful city of Melbourne – have we got a treat for you!

Two of the most amazing women I know are combining their talents to help make your Christmas easy! Chris Owen (my partner and co-author of Save Our Sanity: The Christmas Calm Manual) and Angela Esnouf (from Creating Order from Chaos and an organiser- extraordinaire!) are holding a Make Your Christmas Easy workshop in Melbourne.

But you’ll have to be quick! If you have a few moments this Thursday evening (that’s December 6th) – there are a couple of spots still free for a wonderful 90 minutes of intensive Christmas Calm and Organisation.

You can find the details here, including contact numbers if you’d like more information! What have you got to lose?

I wish I could be there…

Every single person on this planet has the same number of nanoseconds in their day as every single other human being on this planet.

So how come some are always complaining about not having enough time, and others just get on with it?

We cannot “manage” time – we can only manage how we use our time, how we think and how we feel about time. In my book, it’s all about juggling the hours, minutes and seconds of our life in the way that best fits who we are and what we want.

How long does it take…?

You remember we renovated our kitchen earlier in the year? It’s now so much better in terms of useability, functionality, storage space and pure gorgeousness.

And somehow I had been telling myself that the chaos we had been living in previously and during the renovation would diminish and the kitchen sink and benches would somehow miraculously stay clear and clean. I know, dreamland…

Recently, we had a very busy day and my dishwasher-emptier (youngest son) had been out at before and after-school sports, and I had been ferrying him around in between all the rest of those things I do as a working Mum… come dinner time, the dishwasher was still full of clean dishes from the night before. Woe is me. After dinner, the busy family dumped their dishes on any clear surface in the kitchen and went off to their evening activities. Usually they do put them in the dishwasher…

After dealing with the rest of my evening routine I passed through the kitchen on my way to bed and felt the mess like a blow to the gut. Y.U.K. I contemplated leaving it for the morning, but reminded myself that there is nothing I hate more than waking up to a dirty kitchen – especially in the morning get-kids-out-of-bed-and-to-the-bus-on-time routine.

So, heaving a big, martyred sigh, I proceeded to empty the dishwasher and restack it full again. As I pressed Start and wiped down the now clear sink and benchtop I glanced at the clock.

Exactly eight minutes had passed. Surely the clock had stopped?

Nope – still going.

That really was all it took!

Eight whole minutes to go from energy-sapping mess to uplifting gorgeousness.

Eight minutes to go from “I don’t have time…” to “oooh, nice…”.

Eight minutes to go from slovenly martyr to domestic goddess.

Eight minutes to go from getting up to a mess in the morning to getting up to a fresh, clean kitchen.

I need to remind myself of this every time I think I don’t have time to do something as simple as clean up the kitchen.

I get a huge energy boost from that clean sink every time I walk through the kitchen. And as a work-at-home mum, I go into or through that room more times in each day than I can count. The added spring in my step is worth well more than 8 minutes!

A Clearing Space Moment

How does mess make YOU feel? Are you putting it off because in your mind you’ve made it this huge task, needy of hours of your time and energy?

Can you stop the drain by simply getting in there and doing it? Clear that space for more important things. Tick it off your to do list. Feel how great that is.

Next time you’re doing some dreaded chore, pop the timer on and see how long it really takes you. You may be pleasantly surprised (and if it does take longer than you thought, at least next time you’ll know how long to set aside).

Best of all, with the additional energy surge you get from having things like a clean sink – you’ll find you accomplish much more in the time you have left. No more horrid chore hanging over your head, draining your energy and whispering its dirge in your ear as you try to concentrate.

Are YOU getting lost in your roles and responsibilities?

Do you have moments when you wonder what happened to that girl you were, back when…

Do you hear someone telling you to Take Care of yourself, and you think ‘no time, no time’?

Do you then wonder why you’re feeling like you don’t belong in your own body any more? Knock, knock – anyone home?

We have the amazing ability to multi-task. We can accomplish so much in a day, an hour, a moment.

We can prepare dinner while discussing the solution to global warming on the phone with the UN General Secretary, simultaneously refereeing a fight between our children, removing the cat from the fridge and hanging a load of washing… (well, maybe not the cat;-)

But in all our productiveness and to-do lists and kids sports practice we seem to lose ourselves. It’s like we have no individual identity any more, apart from ‘doingness’.

I found this sentence in a book I was flipping through this morning, and couldn’t help but stop and take a huge, deep breath.

“When a million tasks confront her and she stops to meditate and breathe for three seconds, rather than rushing on as if she had no self, that is a small ritual acknowledging the sanctity of her being.”

~ Eric Maisel, The Creativity Book

Did you stop and take a breath too? Go back and read it again – it gets better and better.

We’re women. We’re mothers. We’re workers. We’re housekeepers and taxi-drivers. We’re cooks and cleaners, task masters and cheer-leaders. We’re lovers and we’re fighters. We’re wives, daughters, sisters, nieces and friends.

But much, much more than that. We are ‘me’. We are self.

Stand up for your self. Acknowledge the sanctity of your being. Create a ritual. Care. Love. Be.

Do you?

So I learned last week.

Along with that very valuable lesson (hmmm), I also learned again what an exceptional team of contributors we have over at The Calm Space.

For November, each contributor has written their thoughts, advice, book recommendations, tips or questions on the theme of Friendship.

To me, my friends are the twine that holds my life together. Validating me. Encouraging me. Reality-checking me. What about you?

Please come visit us all at The Calm Space – flick throught the November issue of our magazine, leave a comment or two, enter our competition or get your free copy of How to Find the Pause Button for Your Life (this is a limited offer!). Come and be refreshed, invigorated, inspired. Enjoy our calm for a minute or ten.

Got there. Lay down. Glad the beauty therapist doesn’t try to chat with you while she works. (It’s hard to talk with gook all over your face, anyway).

Ahhh… now this is luxury! Pampering… no mobile phone… no need to talk or read or anything! Wow, this should be bliss.

Only my head was doing it’s own thing… As she started to cleanse, I noticed my body tense, and my mind start to think about things that caused a pit of anxiety to form in my stomach.

I gave myself a stern talking to… after all – I was here to relax…

I almost laughed out loud with the ridiculousness of having to give yourself a stern talking to, to relax. Sure, that’ll work. Order yourself to relax.

Of course, relaxation doesn’t come on command. It doesn’t come just because we want it. In fact, by thinking about relaxing, it creates a resistance as we start to stress about the fact that we aren’t relaxed yet.

Once she started the (blissful) massage of my face, neck and shoulders – I started to concentrate on breathing slowly and feeling the treatment. I started to let go once I stopped stressing about relaxing. I think I almost fell asleep…

We’re told to take time for ourselves – to practice extreme self-care. [I can be like a broken record on the subject!] But no-one tells us that we may feel uncomfortable and may have a really hard time relaxing and enjoying the moment.

Remember, it’s OK to feel a bit anxious. What I learned is to recognise that the tension is my innate reaction to stopping… and once you notice your tenseness it is easier to let go and relax into the moment. You need to give yourself permission to feel those uncomfortable feelings in order to let go of them. It’s true that “what you resist, persists”.

Like a meditative practice, I learned to be aware of the senses I can still use – and direct my attention to what they are bringing in.

Notice the music playing. Notice the scents that surround you. Notice the feel of the goop on your skin, and the touch of your therapists hands expertly caring for you. And notice the tricks your mind plays on you.

Become the bystander – and you’ll walk out on a cloud. I did.